Deciding on a wedding gift? Good luck!
By TERRI NEEDHAM Staff Writer

Published in the Courier News on September 29, 2002

Do you still think giving a wedding gift is as simple as grabbing a card on the way to the reception and stuffing in some cash? Guess again. Giving wedding presents is far more complex, with the practice defined by ever-evolving etiquette rules. Further, the rules -- and customs -- vary by location, culture and age. Even experts can disagree on what is proper and what is in poor taste.

"Gift-giving, especially around weddings, is a huge, huge topic because there's the intricacies and the rules that conflict," said Gail Dunson, a Dallas wedding coordinator and certified etiquette and protocol consultant.

For wedding guests, the most fundamental question is usually how much to spend. Answer: There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

"Unfortunately," said Dunson, "there is no magic formula."

Guests should consider two things, she advises, when deciding how much to give or spend: how well they know the couple and their own budget.

One school of thought is that guests should spend at least what the couple is spending per person for the reception. But that's just a myth, experts believe, and is unrealistic because guests usually don't know what that amount is.

"Don't even think of that," Dunson said. "It's only rumor."

Experts could not cite a minimum amount guests should give, although Dunson said she has heard that the minimum acceptable amount for a cash gift is $100 on the East Coast, and $200 in Manhattan.

Gifts do not have to be larger if they are coming from a couple or a family, Dunson said, since they are not supposed to equate with the price of attending the reception.

If you cannot spend much and are worried about how a small cash gift will look, give a present instead, said Vicky Johnson, bridal consultant and owner of Holy Matrimony, a Baltimore-based bridal services firm that serves the East Coast.

And if you're really pressed for money, make the couple a gift or nice card yourself and they are sure to understand, advised Jessica Levitt, owner of Signature Engagements, a Bridgewater-based wedding consulting and design firm.

Experts are mixed on whether cash or an article of some kind is better.

Cash seems to be the most popular wedding gift in the Northeast, said Joan Glenn, owner of 6 Degrees of Celebration, a Westfield event planning company. She estimates that about 70 percent of the gifts at her weddings are cash.

One reason for the popularity is family members like to feel that, with the cash, they are helping the couple start their new life together.

Another reason is that more people are living together before marriage, are marrying at an older age and are entering into second and third marriages, Dunson said. As a result, they may not need the household items traditionally given as wedding gifts.

"Very few people are starting off coming from their mother's home into their husband's home," Johnson said. "Most women are career-oriented and have dishes and furniture."

Dunson said some etiquette experts consider it tacky to give cash, and points out it doesn't take much thought. But she notes that surveys show it is the gift which couples most want to get.

"If you're one of those who wants to give cash, go right ahead," she said.

Still, most brides do register at department or specialty stores, making up a list of gifts they would like to receive that guests can choose from. Buying a gift that way is easier than ever, as many retail chains have them online now. And registry services are being offered by different types of companies, allowing guests to contribute to a mortgage, a trip, a charity or even a car.

If you don't buy from a registry, be sure to buy something the couple would like, instead of something you yourself like, Johnson said.

In addition to what you give, how and when you give it is also important.

A little-known rule is that gifts should always be sent before the wedding, to the return address on the invitation.

"Transporting gifts to a reception is a faux pas," Johnson said.

Because a lot of people don't know that, gift tables and receptacles for cards are often set up at receptions. But, experts point out, that provides the opportunity for gifts to get broken, lost or stolen, and someone in the wedding party will have to transport all of them at the end of the night.

If you do bring a gift, make sure to place the card inside so the two don't get separated, leaving the couple with no idea of who sent what. The same goes for sending gifts through a store: enclose your own handwritten card in case the store fails to identify who it is from.

And if you bring a card with money in it to the wedding, it should be handed to the groom for safekeeping.

Gifts should be sent weeks before the wedding, and an old idea that guests have a year to send a gift is no longer acceptable. That was before the days of the Internet and overnight mail, Dunson said.

"That rule is gone," she said. "That rule is toast."

Terri Needham can be reached at (908) 707-3186 or tneedham@c-n.com.

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